Too Canadian...?



Here at Canadian World Domination Headquarters, we believe in promoting a "Total Canadian" attitude amongst our many legions of followers. We enjoy moulding the personalities of loyal Canucks to suit our special aims. Headquarters staff is looking for those gifted persons whose narrow-minded patriotic zeal blinds them to anything other than their glorious country and its exalted leaders (namely us). Perhaps this simple list will help you determine if you are the type of individual who may be willing to discard his or her personal freedom in order to join the great Canadian collective of collaborative dominators. Naturally, being "Too Canadian" is not an unwanted state, rather, we cherish those fortunates who fit the requirements below and plan to breed them in the future. Hopefully this long over-due scientific action will enable us to obtain a strain of Canuck (the uberCanuck) that will be very useful indeed when it comes to the indoctrination of the un-Canadian. Or we could just use them to help our Recreation Canada staff develop a new All-Canadian Trivial Pursuit.



1. You know all the words to "If I had a million dollars" by The Barenaked Ladies, including the inter-stanza banter between Steven and Ed.

2. You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly."

3. You hum David Foster's '88 Calgary Olympics theme in the shower.

4. You make up patriotic lyrics to go along with David Foster's '88 Calgary Olympics theme.

5. You cried when Gus "drowned" on Road To Avonlea.

6. You remember when Alanis Morrissette was "Too Hot To Hold".

7. You think there isn't enough of Peter Gzowski to go around.

8. You think it's normal to have a grain elevator in your backyard.

9. You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin, as you can only use more change.

10. You spend hours in the dark making scale models of the Avro Arrow and cursing the Diefenbaker government.

11. You watch MuchMusic constantly, in the hopes of occasional fleeting glimpses of The Tragically Hip.

12. You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "what's good enough protection for the Prime Minister, is good enough for me!"

13. You have memorized the Heritage Foundation's Heritage Moments, including your favourites, "Burnt Toast!", "You know I canna read a word...", "One day we have tar paper roof!" and "Kanata".

14. You can sing "O' Canada" in French and actually know what the words mean!!

15. You advocate the abolition of responsible government, in favour of monarchist rule.

16. You think there isn't enough Queen on our currency.

17. You send angry letters to the CBC demanding the return of the Hinterland Who's Who spots so you can finally find out what happens to the arctic ptarmigan in winter.

18. You participate in Participaction!

19. You think Peter Mansbridge is sexy.

20. You think Lloyd Robertson is sexy.

21. You think Peter Kent is sexy.

22. You think Matt Damon is so-so.

23. You stood in line for hours for Another Roadside Attraction tickets.

24. You killed your best friend for Another Roadside Attraction tickets.

25. You think Great Big Sea isn't Maritime-centric enough.

26. Your graduation formal dress was made of flannel.

27. Your backpack has more than one Canadian flag iron-on.

28. You know the names of all the guys in Sloan.

29. You have been on Speaker's Corner. Bonus points if they edited out your carefully prepared rant against the Harris government.

30. You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.

31. You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.

32. You still haven't taken down your "NON" posters from the 95 Referendum.

33. You know more than 3 guys named Gordon.

34. You think Ashley MacIssac isn't celtic enough.

35. You remember "Jodie" from Today's Special and wonder why you keep seeing her reading news on the CBC.

36. You can do the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-marinki-dinki-do".

37. You know why "killerwhaletank" is funny.

38. You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.

39. You had a crush on Joey Jeremiah from Degrassi Junior High.

40. You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few months early.

41. You actually watch The Gemini Awards, The Genie Awards, and The Juno Awards. You wonder why Stompin' Tom doesn't get his own category in all three. You scream passionately at the television when your favourite Canadian performers are overlooked by their respective academies.

42. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada. You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.

43. You think -10 C is mild weather.

44. You have twins named Donovan and Bailey.

45. You have twins named Wayne and Gretzky (alternately Gordie and Howe).

46. You know the ingredients for poutine.

47. You automatically read 'Z' as 'Zed' and don't give a damn that it doesn't rhyme with "now I know my abcs".

48. You know what happens in the Evergreen Forest when Bert Raccoon wakes up.

49. You dressed as Bruno Gerussi for Halloween. You spent hours sifting through garbage on the beach to prepare for the role.

50. You substitute beer for water when cooking.

51. You carry empty beer cans from your camping trips home with you in your backpack so you can recycle them when you reach civilization.

52. You know that the 'Extra Creamy' in Kraft Extra Creamy Dinner is 'add more milk.'

53. You prefer Elvis Stojko when he has 'hockey hair' - a.k.a. 'the mullet' or 'the shorty-longback'.

54. You brag about the sweet herb in BC.

55. You know the chorus of "The Log Driver's Waltz" and are particularly fond of the 'whirling down and down' bit.

56. You steal stationery from your Government of Canada co-operative education placement because you figure you can find lots of uses for paper with 'Human Resources Development Canada/Développement des Ressources Humaines Canada' written at the top.

57. You know where this theme is from (you will need Real Audio to hear it).

58. You are moved to tears by those Bell Canada phone commercials they show around Remembrance Day where the grandson calls his grandad from Dieppe. You understand the manipulative nature of the advertisement, but continue to be moved, nontheless.

59. You stay up until midnight (the end of some television station broadcasting hours) to hear the Canadian national anthem.

60. You get up at 5:00 am (the begining of broadcasting hours) to hear the
Canadian national anthem.

61. You spit angrily when Americans say "ruff" instead of the correct "roof".

62. You have daydreams that film-maker Don McKellar and Hugh Dillon from The Headstones skinned and ate Regis and Kathie Lee.

63. You recognize: CPP, RSP, and CCM.

64. You read rather than scanned this list.


Check out the list, and also the website for Canadian World Domination at the link below:
http://cwd.ptbcanadian.com/signs.html

Sadly, I have nothing more to offer tonight, but this made me smile. Don't we say "zee"? Damned if I know.